Identity
Who the hell am I anymore?
You’re still you.
You’ve always been you, you just found out a little bit more about yourself than you knew before. Ok, a lot more about yourself. It’s ok to feel lost and turned around, to not know where you fit in anymore. Maybe you fit in exactly where you always have, or maybe this is a chance to explore a new identity that suits you better than anything ever has before.
Just know that I’m proud of you for going on this AIS journey. It takes a lot of strength to do it. You’re a really brave and good person.
Am I now a boy/girl?
Have you ever heard of the concept of gender identity? It’s the idea that you own your own gender expression.
If you felt like a girl before being diagnosed with AIS, guess what, you’re still a girl. If you felt like a boy before being diagnosed with AIS, guess what, you’re still a boy. Just because you know what ingredients went into making a pizza doesn’t mean it’s not still that same great pizza! The same is true for you. You’ve learned a little more about yourself, but you’re still you. Your gender identity is still true regardless of what sexual organs you may have inside or outside your body.
Maybe you are finding yourself questioning where you fit in? Here’s an excellent resource for you to read about gender identity.
Does this mean I’m intersex?
Yes, if you choose to identify, you are intersex, welcome to the club!
Intersex is the umbrella term for all of us cool kids who reject the sexual binary & are born little bit boy and a little bit girl. We didn’t choose to be born this way; we were born with conditions and syndromes, but that’s ok. Intersex goes by a few other names like “Disorders of Sexual Development” which also goes by “Differences of Sexual Development.” I personally like the term “Intersex” because I get to say “Sex,” and it sounds naughty, and anytime I get to make the old ladies blush is a win in my book.
Having a rare condition can feel lonely, but meeting other intersex people is the first step to realizing you’re part of a huge international community!
Am I part of the LGBTQ+?
Yes! Anytime you see the “+” in LGBTQ+ or the “I” in LGBTQIA, that’s you!
The “I” stands for intersex, isn’t that cool? We have our own logo and flag and everything. There’s a lot to be proud about, and a lot still left to fight for. You can read more about the fight for intersex rights here.
Does being AIS make me gay?
To be clear, nothing makes you gay. Being gay is not a choice or something that can be forced. Your sexual attraction is a part of you, just as your sexual identity is a part of you. Here’s what you need to ask yourself:
What is your personal gender identity? If it is female, and you are attracted to men, then you are not gay, regardless of what level of androgens your body understands. Conversely, if you identify as female, and you are attracted to females, congratulations, you are gay! I like the gender unicorn as a great way to uncover you exact preference.
AIS plays no role in whether or not you are gay or not.
Does having AIS automatically make me non-binary?
Being non-binary is rejecting to identify as male or female. You can be non-binary and have AIS, but you don’t have to be non-binary just because you have AIS.
You can have AIS and identify as Female, Male, or Non-Binary, and all three are perfectly valid as long as you are true to yourself.
Do I need to see a therapist?
Only you can answer that question. I know that talking to someone helps. I know that having AIS and being Intersex is hard, and keeping feelings bottled up inside is never good.
AIS is a rare condition, with less than 200,000 cases in the United States (source), and that can be a really scary and isolating feeling. When you feel comfortable, I would seek out someone to talk to. Either a family member, a support group, a trusted friend, or a therapist. What is wonderful about a therapist is that they have the skills to help you heal from the pain you are feeling. Another advantage of a therapist over a family member or a friend is that medical professionals are under oath to keep their silence.
Additionally, there’s no shame or stigma with going to see or talk to a therapist. Just as you need to see a primary care physician to make sure your body is performing normally, you should see a therapist to keep your mind performing optimally.
Editors Note on Going to Therapy:
When I was diagnosed with androgen insensitivity syndrome at 15, I was terrified to talk about it. I refused to see a therapist, and I refused to tell anyone. Like a lot of people, I fell victim to shame. I kept all that pain bottled up for years.
As an adult, I did go to therapy, which included writing all of my feelings and past trauma out. I found myself writing out my entire AIS journey again and again over the course of years, until I got to this iteration – a website. My way of healing has been creating this website as a love letter to myself at 15. It’s a gift for 15 year old me, and every other 15 year old with AIS and their parents so they won’t have to struggle for the same information like I did.
I can’t tell you to go to therapy… but go to therapy. It helps.